Rest in Peace Heath Ledger

I think I still have the issue of Vanity Fair this picture appeared in.

I saw A Knight's Tale in the theater FOUR times.

I OWN The Patriot.

These were not good movies, but Heath made them worth watching. What a tragedy.

Headswell: The Phenomenon

Marcella: You know, when you started getting invited to your ten year high school reunion, time is catching up.
Martin Q. Blank: Are you talking about a sense of my own mortality or a fear of death?
Marcella: Well, I never really thought about it quite like that.
Martin Q. Blank: Did you go to yours?
Marcella: Yes, I did. It was just as if everyone had swelled.
Grosse Pointe Blank

This, ladies and gentlemen, is a phenomenon called Headswell, and it's affecting 99.9% of 40+ men across the nation. I've even seen it affect some men younger than that! But we'll chalk that up to alcohol consumption and delusions of grandeur.

Some men actually look more stately and mature with a little head weight, while others look like something out of a David Lynch film. It's pretty much inevitable that one day, your man's head will grow freakishly large, but his brain will stay the same size. I'm trying to think of some examples of men in their 40s without Headswell and I'm struggling. Let's run down some of the most classic transformations:

1. James Spader
Here we have a nice svelt profile shot of the reason we (women) hate ourselves. Spader's fuck stick character in Pretty in Pink should revolt us. We should feel utterly repulsed by his vanity and overall shittiness.

Instead, we find ourselves wondering why on Earth Molly Ringwald chose Andrew McBland when she could have had an illicit encounter in the back of Steff's car? Also, great hair.

Here is Spader's head in it's current state. Our man is looking as smug and bastardly as ever, yet still infinitely do-able. His head could grow to ten times its normal size, and I would still feel the same as I did the first time I saw Sex, Lies and Videotape. I know I'm messed up. I don't deny it.



2. Alec Baldwin
Good God his head is huge. There aren't even any words for this. And though he's become a better actor since Headswell, he certainly hasn't become more attractive. Plus, he's an ass.



3. William Shatner
My love for the Shatner knows no bounds. He's a caricature of himself, sure, but when you're so awesome, why not revel in it? Only time will tell if he'll be most remembered as Captain Kirk, Denny Crane or William Shatner, but I actually have the most fondness for his 76-year-old melon.

Thomas F. Mann

"I wonder if she can tell I'm not wearing any pants."

"I can't feel my legs...Keyser"

Inspired by Pajiba's recent comment diversion on childhood celebrity crushes and the previously posted conversation with Beeb, I decided to compose the following list: The Essential Gabriel Byrne Viewing Guide. While my friends all swooned over JTT and Elijah Wood, I spent my teen years combing the Movie Gallery and Action Video shelves for Gabriel Byrne movies (and Cary Elwes movies--but that's another post). I’m ridiculously excited about his new HBO series which already has an unprecedented 50+ episode order. The films are in chronological order because I am lazy.

Miller's Crossing: Lucky enough to be cast as the main character in one of the best Coen Bros. film but not lucky enough to one of their repeat appearance guys like John Goodman and Steve Buscemi (could we really call Stevie B. lucky? I mean he looks like the second coming of Peter Lorre), Byrne perfectly slipped into the dark, morally fraught tone of the Coens' early crime drama. He was still young enough looking in this movie that I didn't feel inappropriate for wanting him to take me into one of the back rooms of that awesome smoky speakeasy and make a dame outta me.

Point of No Return: Good Lord, I don't even know if I can adequately explain how excited I was to find this movie. USA's perfect spy thriller, La Femme Nikita, is among my top five shows of all time. I was lucky enough to watch it during its original run and become unnaturally obsessed with it. Shortly into the second season I caught part of this movie on cable and, after some hasty research on the internets, found out that it was a remake of the original French movie, Nikita, that inspired the show. More importantly, it starred Gabriel Byrne in the Michael/Jean Reno (another teenage crush of mine) role. He was mysterious, he was maddeningly taciturn and his loyalties were divided between the organization and his recruit's well-being. He got to stand around and look adorably awkward while Bridget Fonda explained the sexual metaphor behind Nina Simone's "Sugar in my Bowl" (this movie also inspired my lifetime love of Nina). Plus he shoved Bridget Fonda to the ground and straddled her when she tried to escape that one time. And it was hot. I should mention, however, that the movie as a whole is pretty average.

Little Women: Probably the first time Byrne roused my tweenage loins. I was actually predisposed to dislike him as I was still heartbroken that Jo chose Dr. Bhaer over Teddy in the book. And while Christian Bale was undeniably beautiful and desperate and brooding as Teddy, Byrne made me realize how Jo could marry him. He was so quietly good and insistent about Jo following her passion. He took her to the opera and they watched from the rafters! He was good with kids! His eyes twinkled! No one had ever made a waistcoat look that good to me. Actually, this is a pretty good adaptation of overly long (but still great!) book--my only complaint is that Byrne isn't in it enough. On an unrelated note, seriously, what happened to Winona Ryder? I think Tim Burton put a curse on her after she broke Johnny Depp's heart.

The Usual Suspects: This is a pretty universally-lauded film. I don’t really need to wax on about how awesome it is. I will say that one of my favorite memories of it is introducing it to pretty much all of my friends at the time and getting really sad when I had to explain the ending to one of them after replaying it for her. I think she’s still trying to figure it out. Anyway, every one pretty much writes about how great Spacey was (they’re right) and he won the Oscar, but I still consider this Byrne’s show. I remember being really disappointed that Keaton’s suit wasn’t really yellow like it was on the cover of the tape. Byrne could pull it off! Anyway, I never really believed Byrne was Keyser Soze. He was trying to turn his life around, he was kind to Kevin Spacey’s character, and he was the only one who realized that they should have told Kobayashi to fuck off and get the hell out of town. Smart man.

Buffalo Girls: Don’t laugh. It was a TV movie about Calamity Jane and Annie Oakley and Buffalo Bill and other Old West figures. I haven’t seen it since it aired so I can’t really comment on whether or not this is a good movie. I remember that Reba MacIntyre was Annie and Anjelica Huston was Calamity and that Sam Elliot was strangely hot as Wild Bill. Melanie Griffith was also involved. I mean, she was cute in Working Girl, but I’ve never really understood how she gets so much work. Maybe I’ve just been jealous all these years since Gabriel Byrne tried to climb up to her window. For the purposes of this list, all you need know is that Gabriel Byrne is dressed up like a cowboy. Enough said.

Polish Wedding: I’m beginning to realize that “essential” may have been a misleading title. I don’t remember particularly enjoying this movie. I rented it solely because Byrne was in it. If you don’t like Claire Danes you should probably stay away. However, it does feature Byrne making bedroom eyes at Lena Olin the whole time. That’s something.

The Man in the Iron Mask: This movie came out during a time that I had very little use for Leo DiCaprio. My friends would not stop screaming about how hot he was in Titanic, and honestly, while I thought he was terrific in Romeo + Juliet, they really ruined him for me (I didn’t get over it until Catch Me if You Can—he was irresistibly good, though I still don’t personally find him terribly attractive). So you can see, the thought of double the Leo was did not remotely figure in my decision to go see this movie. Byrne as D’artagnan though? Sold. Luckily, Leo’s presence did make it pretty easy to rope my friends into going with me. I really love this movie. I will watch it whenever it comes on TNT. Byrne is unquestionably the best thing about it, with the genius decision to cast Peter Sarsgaard as John Malkovich’s son coming in at a close second. I mean, he foils an assassination attempt by HURLING HIS SWORD THROUGH A FOUNTAIN IN SLOW MOTION. Bad. Ass. The wig is not terribly appealing but you’ll get over it. The moment when he leaves the rose for the Queen he can never be with is so small but so heartbreaking.

Enemy of the State: This is more of a warning. Byrne was in the trailer, which led me to believe he had a pretty big role. I think he’s in two scenes total. It’s not really a bad movie, but it’s definitely in the “I, Robot” column of Will Smith’s career.

Stigmata: I’ve discussed this with other women from time to time, but I’ve never been able to figure out where exactly this phenomenon comes from. Movie priests are hot. Joaquin Phoenix as the necrophilliac priest in Quills is the quintessential example. I’m not Catholic and I haven’t seen the Thornbirds, so I honestly can’t explain why I thrilled when I found out that Byrne played a priest in Stigmata. The sexual tension between Father Kiernen and Patricia Arquette’s Frankie simmers under the surface throughout the movie and really propels the story to a greater extent than either the trials Frankie suffers or the Church’s conspiracy. Look for the scene where the two wander through an outdoor exotic flower shop while Afro Celt Sound System’s “Release” plays. Gorgeously sexy.

End of Days: I will not make the argument that this is a good movie. I will simply state the following facts: Gabriel Byrne plays Satan. Gabriel Byrne exits a restroom in a crowded restaurant and returns to his table only to reach into a woman’s dress, tightly grasp her bare breast and ferociously kiss her. He calmly returns her breast to the dress’s top and exits the building just before it explodes—I can state unequivocally that the woman died happy.

Oh yeah. Three words: Gabriel Byrne threesome. Or at least I think so. I may have passed out.

"Madigan Men": This was a TV series that aired in the late nineties or early aughts. I remember being very exited for it, because it meant I’d have a weekly dosage of Gabriel. Byrne’s character had to negotiate living with his son and father. I don’t think it lasted terribly long but I do remember I was way more attracted to Byrne than his son.

Spider: This was David Cronenberg’s last really bizarre film before the mainstream success of A History of Violence and Eastern Promises. I’m pretty sure this is the best Gabriel Byrne film I’ve never seen--but it's on my queue, I swear! I really don’t know how I’ve managed not to see it given that it also stars another of my favorite actors, Ralph Fiennes. I’m relatively sure that the audience is not supposed to find either of their characters likeable or attractive. I am equally sure that this will not matter when I see it.

Ghost Ship: Yes, I saw this in the theatre, and yes, I saw it because of Byrne. He’s a wily sea captain who scavenges abandoned ships. As a horror movie, the high point came way too early: the opening scene features a whole deck-full of socialites being cut in half when a steel cord breaks. One guy even tries to pull his body back together. It is hilarious. However it’s ultimately a pretty mediocre horror flick. Byrne is still eminently watchable, though, so tune in if it’s on cable.

Vanity Fair: Even after 6 years of education in English literature, I still haven’t read Thackeray’s most popular work. I have seen the movie. And it is full of gorgeous men. Jonathan Rhys Meyers. James Purefoy. Gabriel Byrne. I can’t comment on its fidelity to the source material, but I thought it was a thoroughly enjoyable costume drama. Mira Nair’s use of color is amazing and Reese Witherspoon was much better than the critics gave her credit for. Byrne is a secondary character at best—he plays a scheming and lascivious Marquess—but damn that man looks good in period dress. As with End of Days, it’s fun to see him play the villain. The hot villain. I’d let him ruin my reputation any time.

The foolishness of youth

[14:14] TaperedJEAN: i just love how i hated him in little women
[14:14] TaperedJEAN: and couldn't imagine why she would choose him over bale
[14:14] TaperedJEAN: of course i love bale
[14:14] TaperedJEAN: but good god... byrne
[14:14] TaperedJEAN: so hot
[14:14] BRAVESJADE: i know
[14:15] BRAVESJADE: talk about embarassment of riches
[14:15] BRAVESJADE: i was really sad about that in the book too, because i loved teddy, until he started acting like a dick in the movie
[14:15] BRAVESJADE: but man, i do love them both in that movie
[14:16] BRAVESJADE: especially that part when gabriel (professor behr (sounds like BEAR!)) picks up the apple at the bottom of the stairs and looks up at her with his kind eyes
[14:16] TaperedJEAN: haha
[14:16] TaperedJEAN: kind eyes
[14:17] TaperedJEAN: that's why i love you
[14:17] TaperedJEAN: you saw the kindness in his eyes!

Our namesake