Martin Q. Blank: Are you talking about a sense of my own mortality or a fear of death?
Marcella: Well, I never really thought about it quite like that.
Martin Q. Blank: Did you go to yours?
Marcella: Yes, I did. It was just as if everyone had swelled.
Grosse Pointe Blank
This, ladies and gentlemen, is a phenomenon called Headswell, and it's affecting 99.9% of 40+ men across the nation. I've even seen it affect some men younger than that! But we'll chalk that up to alcohol consumption and delusions of grandeur.
Some men actually look more stately and mature with a little head weight, while others look like something out of a David Lynch film. It's pretty much inevitable that one day, your man's head will grow freakishly large, but his brain will stay the same size. I'm trying to think of some examples of men in their 40s without Headswell and I'm struggling. Let's run down some of the most classic transformations:
1. James Spader
Here we have a nice svelt profile shot of the reason we (women) hate ourselves. Spader's fuck stick character in Pretty in Pink should revolt us. We should feel utterly repulsed by his vanity and overall shittiness.
Instead, we find ourselves wondering why on Earth Molly Ringwald chose Andrew McBland when she could have had an illicit encounter in the back of Steff's car? Also, great hair.
Here is Spader's head in it's current state. Our man is looking as smug and bastardly as ever, yet still infinitely do-able. His head could grow to ten times its normal size, and I would still feel the same as I did the first time I saw Sex, Lies and Videotape. I know I'm messed up. I don't deny it.
2. Alec Baldwin
Good God his head is huge. There aren't even any words for this. And though he's become a better actor since Headswell, he certainly hasn't become more attractive. Plus, he's an ass.
3. W
illiam Shatner
My love for the Shatner knows no bounds. He's a caricature of himself, sure, but when you're so awesome, why not revel in it? Only time will tell if he'll be most remembered as Captain Kirk, Denny Crane or William Shatner, but I actually have the most fondness for his 76-year-old melon.
1 comment:
I have to say, I was so glad when I met you, BB, because you were the first person outside my circle of friends that had come to the independent conclusion that certain men in their 40's develop headswell. I think I first noticed it on Conan O'Brien, who at some point actually acknowledged it on his show.
I would absolutely still do Spader, headswell or no, and clearly headswell can be combatted as shown by Ben Affleck and Vince Vaughn, though "that puffy motherfucker" is currently losing the battle once again. Though, as Spader and George Clooney prove, you can still be hot even after headswell.
I tried to think of some examples of older entertainers who have avoided the dreaded swell: Michael Douglas, Brad Pitt, Bowie,& Ralph Fiennes were all I could think of off the top of my head.
Now that I think about it, I think Leo Dicaprio's headswell has actually helped his career. He seems to have more credibility playing older and more masculine roles now that he's filled out a bit.
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